We made a careful and honest examination of the stories, roles, and strategies we had used to protect ourselves.

Step Four is about looking honestly at how we have been living. It is not about judging ourselves or making a list of our flaws. It is about understanding the ways we learned to cope, survive, and stay in control.

Many of us came into this program believing that something was wrong with us. Step Four helps us see that much of what we do made sense at one time. The strategies we examine often helped us feel safe, useful, or accepted. They were not mistakes. They were responses.

As we work this step, we begin to notice patterns. We may see how certain roles—being the responsible one, the helper, the achiever, the fixer, the quiet one—shaped our lives. We may notice how stories we tell about ourselves or others have kept us guarded or stuck. We may see how habits of control, explanation, or withdrawal have limited our freedom.

This step asks us to look without rushing to fix anything. We are not trying to get rid of these patterns yet. We are simply learning to see them clearly. Gentleness matters here. When we approach ourselves with curiosity rather than criticism, honesty becomes possible.

Step Four works best when we take our time. We do not need to uncover everything at once. We focus on what is ready to be seen. Writing, talking with a trusted person, or reflecting quietly can help bring clarity. There is no right way to do this step, only an honest one.

As we examine our patterns, we may begin to recognize where they no longer serve life as it is asking to be lived now. What once protected us may now keep us isolated. What once gave us a sense of control may now create distance from others and from ourselves.

Step Four prepares us for deeper honesty. By understanding how we learned to protect ourselves, we create space for compassion and change. We begin to see that we are not broken—we are patterned.